Day: April 6, 2010

My whole body wept today
It ached
My world was dying
It nearly overflowed from me
Every breath fed it
Made it stronger
I managed to swallow it down
To compress it
Tried to make it so small it would disappear
And It did
For now I am stone
Unyielding
Unforgiving
Stone
To change me
Is to be harder and sharper
To chip and chisel with no reprieve
In the end if you do succeed
Will I turn out to be what you need?
I will always be stone
Just maybe a different shape

I’ve been practicing my braveface lately

I do it by eating lemons and trying not to let it show

it’s hard but I know I need to do it.

My braveface has to be brave and strong

because I am cowardly and weak

and this world is cruel and malevolent

taking aim at anyone who doesn’t have it in them to twist

the blade.

I wish I could write something meaningful, truly meaningful. To write something that mattered. I wish I could write something that would be read in two hundred years time with the relevance that it holds today. In short I wish to find and document as many aspects of the aptly called ‘human condition’ as I can. Just think about the term ‘human condition’ and it instantly tells you something of the perspective of the author. Indeed it infers if not suggests that the author had a very dark outlook on life and humanity. ‘Plight of man kind’ also springs to mind. This is not to say by any means that I disagree with them. Life is a battle, a street fight from start to finish. There are no universal rules or laws. Morality is not being the odd one out. Bottom line; evidence is never evidence, the truth is never true.

Word file 2020……………….
Mr. Fuckpants lost Jessy’s game bout to get whacked. Anyway this writing bullshit is cutting into my facebook time. Bastards really do exist……. Not like the vampires or anything else, actually children out of wedlock—strange word. And i’m in a strange mood but I figured hey Tim you lazy fuck wad you need to start writing otherwise your life will have nothing electronically stored to show except photos— true story motherfucker. Rumrum rum I like sex in the bum bum bum bum. Yes really…… And no I can’t say anything intelligent without either coming across pretentious or just plain stupid so I won’t try. People in my experience either expect way too much or way too little of me and I don’t know which i prefer. What would you???? And after all these years and all my theories I still am no more sure about anything. Questions questions damned questions always fucking questions. Always trying to learn… always felling like I’m getting dumber by the day……..and my pretentions keep growing my need for grandiose fantasies evolve like evolution. Yeah that’s right evolution. That’s the buzz word that’s everything in a nut shell………… everything!!!!!!! Don’t think about it just live it and believe it follow the path… yes that’s right evolve… accept change let it change you become stronger live develop…… be free fluid like a poplar in the wind…. Know your roots but accept change as the dominant force in life……… amen. And some other men also like finishing the day’s non sensical writing mid sentence. Even the non religious know that God plays games, maybe he’s seeing weather we can work out the puzzle maybe its nothing all I know is that somewhere deep inside everyone of us he instilled (btw ladies the he thing is an convention and nothing more, for he is not any entity that any word backed by any conception of semantic value can accurately give meaning to. ‘He’ exists outside our sphere which sadly includes all forms of human language and understanding.—and yet in some insignificant way we can come to know him which in turn can or maybe should be the most significant aspect of our own existence. WE NEED HIM!!!!!!!) the desire, — no the need to be someone, something important. Our assessment of value is deeply entrenched in that. Look what happens when our own hierarchy (a sadly necessary one) systematically takes apart ones value (ones desire to be valued)—columbine etc. People, most likely good people or at least with the same capacity for good and evil as we have decide that the only way they can recoup even the smallest portion of their value is to take away others, in the way that our own (necessary!!) hierarchy has done to them. Now I’m not saying that the bullies who drove these people to these things were behaving well but their behaviour just like these sad gunmen can be easily explained within our real social lexicon, not the code of behaviour that everyone can see through. Most people will cheat to get ahead if they can get away with it. After all life is a game of numbers— of odds everyone plays the odds with one goal to try and live up to this need for value that this one cruel God has instilled in us knowing well that now there are far too many of us for everyone to have a slice of cake, some will, actually many many will die in the fight for the crumbs when they realize that the cake is gone. And I now have to live with the knowledge that I have to develop my own complex strategy to gain just a few crumbs, now I have a child on the way and a wife I have no choice but to prepare for the fight- to the death. And yes I will be willing to die for them to live willing to kill, whatever it takes. And some people (normally those safe in their fortresses eating a tasty slice) say they cannot understand these ‘bad men’ those that stole those that killed. This is our society’s problem- most society’s problem. The situations the worlds we get into are nearly always of our quest our need for value and our absolute need to protect and provide for our families. There is no absolute right or wrong in this world and I would speculate to say that there is no absolute anything. Einstein came up with more than a new way to look at space time and light, relativity applies to everything. Relativity and evolution are the two most important concepts to humanity. This world is too great for any one human to reconcile everything and yet our language—all language fails in some aspect when trying to combine all our efforts. I fear, no fear is the wrong word, I know that humans will not transcend our own bodies on masse. That is we cannot deny our own bodies our own biology the apparent key to our existence. And yet we have a taste, a blissful moment of enlightenment of truth before we realize that what stops us from floating away from finding our true utopia is that dreaded tether our own needs our own dreaded bodies. I can’t think consistently or write consistently I hate reading I’m a terrible speller. But I get what I convince my self to believe to be magnificent, glorious insights into everything but not the genuine capacity to communicate it. Those fleeting moments encompass my value this being my feeble attempt to secure it. My curse as I suspect many others in the world is to be critically aware of my own impotence. This makes my path toward God a difficult one, for I am not predisposed to believing whole heartedly in anything let alone some force that governs my own existence for does that not diminish my personal value the one instilled by the very same force. We are meant to believe in God and not truly understand him and yet he ahs gifted me with questions, endless questions. Did I mention that I am not religious it’s a useful way of enforcing a moral code, a necessary aspect of human evolution. And still there is this question of value. Oh well as the French say cest la vie

Back to it again and now I have nothing to say. The world still confuses me despite all my attempts to tame the chaos to find a complete understanding I still find my self rehashing, constantly going over the same concepts and crap again ad finitum. And where do I place my self modern working class??? Closet intellectual?? Why do I need to class myself as anything?? The latter is certainly the easiest to answer. That is we (humans) seem to need to put a box around everything to understand it. This I believe is the limit of human understanding. I always thought chaos theory is an oxymoron and I still believe that. There is no meaning in chaos only order– all ordered systems have a specific discrete meaning in isolation of course!! And we could know everything if and only if chaos never played a part but alas life is just a constant contest between order and chaos. What a jip oh fuck really God is order chaos is the devil and we need both. With out chaos evolution doesn’t exist. Without chaos there is no change. What ever the nature of chaos we need it, it is necessary though not always nice. Chaos creates the context the essence of the concept of relativity. Each chaotic event creates a context to view an ordered system and in hindsight we can understand the ordered system in that context the context itself becomes part of the order. What then is chaotic is the unpredictability of each newly arriving context. Every time man believes that he has included another chaotic process into his ordered system another chaotic process arrives. I believe that we will never find an order in chaos as I have said the nature of knowledge of understanding is to order it and as such to fully understand chaos we would have to eliminate it in which case it would not exist which in turn would devalue all knowledge as the concept of order itself would be defunct. The universe would be static maybe time itself would stop. It’s an interesting thought anyway. Man are these streaming thoughts getting to me see what I mean and this itself was just supposed to be cathartic instead my head is pounding and I’m still having difficulty stopping oh no here it goes……………………….. Nah just kidding. This for anyone who ever reads it is my latest possibly my last attempt to find the bottom of myself………… the bottom of my thoughts. I am hoping as to where this may lead so again I realize just how human I am and by human I mean like everyone else. People think we are all different but we all share pretty much the same motivations. Here’s a question is a sociopath a sociopath if he never interacts with another organism in his entire life???? Interesting question… I wonder if I will ever find my niche that’s all I want to make the most out of my mind. But how I don’t want to settle. I believe that I might be absurdly arrogant by being almost bipolar about arrogance and humility and again I don’t know if I want to save every one or kill everyone. I went through a phase in my life maybe a good 6 or 7 years ago that I believed that I was the type of person who could either be an earthly representation of Jesus or Satan I believe that all people with the requisite understanding would have to make a choice positive or negative. And again the understanding of such concepts is a matter of perspective……………. Relativity!!!!!!!!! I bet the marine animals of the world oh and the terrestrial aren’t that stoked that humans are doing so well because it is at their cost. Jesus you wanker!!!!!!!! Alright that’s it I’m having a break fuck off all of you! I’m serious don’t let me see your eyes hit this page for one more second… See what I mean by arrogant I would say lol. No hold on I did.

More shit for the old word file aye!!!!! Listening to the mars Volta it has a way of jolting me into action again. But now I have a serious case of the jitters psychotic music. I mean really crazy. But don’t we all just want to lose it occasionally not permanently because im sure that would be a nightmare but just to have the freedom that temporary insanity provides. Pity you can’t consciously make that choice .by definition I mean. Don’t get me wrong I’ve tried large amounts of hallucinogenic drugs and that hasn’t done the trick so what’s next????? I think on some level we all want to escape but sadly we cannot take a holiday from our existence. But if you feel bad spare a thought for your heart that poor dark thing can’t ever take a break. Well that is until it stops, well maybe if you have a heart attack and your heart stops or if your temporary dead or something but anyway I digress I’m sure there was a point I was getting at here. Question do you think there is a market for completely disordered ramblings???? Another question for you just who are you exactly???? Don’t ask me I’m the writer and you’re the reader this whole aspect I find a little confusing. I mean who reads these days anyway???? Has the interweb bought back reading?? I think in a way it has. I tell you what it has certainly spurred a revival in people thinking their opinions matter. Look at me I’m writing at an imaginary reader who is apparently too stupid or too bored to just say to themselves hey what the fuck are you doing just wasting your time like this. You could be spending this time getting high. Come to think about it what the fuck am I doing????…………………………………………………………………………………………….. Just kidding……………………. This is awesome I’m having so much fun right now. Didn’t you know I’m reinventing the wheel of language and writing whatever that is maybe it’s a verb? Who cares I’m useless at grammar as if you imaginary reader couldn’t tell. I do this for long enough and maybe I will have gone temporarily insane fingers crossed here goes. So what were we talking about anyway??????? Fuck I have completely lost my train of thought. Trains there cool why don’t we use them anymore oh that’s right I live in New Zealand. What I fuck fuck. That’s right I’m just that creative. Super awesome creative, no philosophical musings for you just a whole lot of long winded crap. Maybe this is the point that I should start apologizing but I don’t know what for yet so please just give me some time ill get there. That guy you must remember his name who wrote that famous piece of literature on one piece of tele type paper stream of consciousness no editing etc. Well of course I haven’t read it but do you think it could be this crap or do I just have a chronic case of add. Man that guy must have had some real bad ass concentration. Anyway what a pretentious cock what kinda wanker would think of doing that????????????????????? Fuckedyfuck. Mars Volta screwing wit my brain beatchs that wrong no sorry right word to the vanilla icicle you know I have lost that whole i’ve gotta find God thing again and yet I still have the respect to start God with a capital G G for gangster God is the biggest g of them all the OO G the gangster that started it all head G yo. Word to the word file. Word indeed stills searching for something good if I just keep writing ill come up with something good like the ol monkey and typewriter thing come to think of that what the fuck am I doing on a computer????????????????? This is quickly degrading into one of those jokes your dad tells that aren’t funny take forever and go absolutely nowhere. Or is that just my dad?????????/ Who likes using question marks?????????????????????/ Where would we be without them>???????????????????????????????????? I can’t wait to be a dad. I hope I can do a good job. I know Jessy will be a great mum I think there is something about parent hood that makes one rise above themselves I can feel it brewing and I will do anything to get my hands on some cake by hook by crook by any means I want the best for them I will find a way to prize that precious shit outta someone. But for that someone apart from Jessy needs to see my true value. This is a start esp. if Jessy edits this I know that she has something special to say and I know that she can rearrange my words so they actually say something. I want to be important for me for her for the baby and lastly for the world.

I fear I may have swapped one vocation (read addiction) for another but facebook really??? Man have I become lame!!!
And now for something completely similar……………………………..or not either way who cares?? My problem as usual is to get myself to the point where I am now that is sitting at the keyboard actually trying to write and so starts my new creative conquest where I will just write a whole load of shit and then use my darling wife’s superlative editing skills to make something… anything out of it. So the plan continues…….I hate writing but it is something that at some level I need to or at least aspire to do. Where this need comes from is a different matter but again that would cause an investigation down another track, a long and winding and wholly convoluted path so instead I will begin on the task of which I have set myself for today namely character profiles. It is obvious to any writer why this is so important and yet so many people let alone characters I find to be two dimensional and boring. How do we boar to the core of the human character how do we relate everyone at once?? I don’t know but I do know that I sense thing sometimes something that I cannot quite grasp just like the beautiful prose that just drifts through your head as the grand narrative of your existence that you will know will never bee seen out side of your head which is sad but at the same time gives your life a meaning and a specialness that would cease to be if you did see such grand things in print.

First character name; Smokey- a vagrant formerly a high profile but largely unknown computer programmer for Microsoft turn cyber terrorist turn vagrant an enigma very well read extremely intelligent but sickly. A constant smoker tobacco and weed which he plants everywhere he is deeply cynical especially about activism but sees something of himself in the protagonist. This character is meant to be a version of Nietzsche and not the superman which he believes that the protagonist can possibly achieve. He appears everywhere there is an important event or revelation that occurs to the protagonist to the point that it appears that Smokey may indeed be part of the imagination of said character. This relationship will remain suitably ambiguous. He represents freedom in all its forms through his words, physical appearance and actions.
The protagonist never talks of his conversations with Smokey which further affirms suspicions that Smokey is a figment of the imagination. When Christian becomes famous he still does not talk of Smokey which weighs upon him as he feels the server of false wisdom.